Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
