Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
