your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
