He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
