Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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