He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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