She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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