I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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