You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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