if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
