this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
