Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I will die if light touches me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
