I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
