Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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