youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
