If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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