Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
