I wish my penis had an off switch
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
