I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
