Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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