I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
