my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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