Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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