you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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