woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
