Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
