this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
