I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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