I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My pussy is not your playground.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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