your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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