Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
