a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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