im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
pray to the hookup gods
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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