you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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