Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
