My room smells like vodka and shame
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
