I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
