I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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