masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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