he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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