I just saw a hot homeless man
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
