my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I need to calm my uterus...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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