I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
