I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
