I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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