The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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