No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
