apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
