I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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