Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
