im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
