ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
